WHY DO FILIPINAS LIE? / SAVING FACE in the Philippines

Pea breaks down the Asian concept of "saving face" and explains why it drives so much deception in Filipino relationships with foreigners. She walks through the cultural mechanics of hiya (shame), why Filipinos often can't admit when they're wrong, how the tradition escalates from harmless white lies to serious relationship betrayals, and what foreigners can do to prevent it from destroying trust with their Filipina partner.

What's Covered ​

• Saving face is deeply alien to Westerners — and it's the source of most "lying" complaints

  • Pea gets a lot of emails from men who feel betrayed by deception in their relationships
  • She says it's not uncommon even with Filipino-Filipino couples
  • She's not here to justify the tradition, just to explain it so foreigners can recognize it and defuse it

• What saving face actually is vs. plain lying

  • Saving face is a concept that allows people to maintain their reputation and dignity, especially in public
  • Embarrassing or criticizing someone is considered worse than whatever offense the person committed
  • If you challenge them, they "lose face," which is shameful
  • The Chinese practice this heavily — "even if caught doing something wrong, the Chinese are simply incapable of admitting it"
  • Thailand example: an American man was arrested and charged with defamation for leaving bad reviews of a resort, narrowly avoiding jail by publicly apologizing to the hotel and Thailand's Board of Tourism
  • The West has a watered-down version (e.g., "the employee left to pursue other interests" when they were fired), but the Asian version is on "steroids"

• The Filipino concept of "hiya" (shame/embarrassment)

  • Hiya is to be avoided at all costs
  • Causes include: not conforming to social expectations, being accused of wrongdoing, having someone ridicule your manners, education, looks, or honesty
  • If you cause someone hiya, YOU are the dishonorable one — even if what you said is true
  • This is codified into law: Philippine cyber bullying laws mean you can't publicly attack someone even if what you say is objectively true — if you identify a specific person and talk badly about them, it can land you in jail, especially as a foreigner

• Pea calls out hypocritical foreigners

  • Many foreigners claim to honor Filipino culture when they arrive, saying "it's your country, we're your guests"
  • But then they attack each other and Filipino citizens online in front of thousands, purposely bringing shame
  • When confronted, they say "I can say whatever I want and attack anyone I want"
  • Pea: "What happened to honoring the culture of your host country? Your hypocrisy is disturbing"

• Pea's own position: truth matters, but don't attack individuals

  • She personally believes in speaking the truth but not attacking specific people (which is also illegal)
  • Social issues like pollution, teen pregnancy, poverty, traffic, and bureaucracy should be discussed openly
  • Example: she did a video about the Philippines' trash problem — the country is the third worst in the world for plastic ocean trash, an indisputable fact
  • Angry Filipinos commented that she shouldn't bring "dishonor" to the country; some took the "laughable position that there was no trash problem here and that everything was clean and tidy"
  • Pea considers herself the patriotic Filipino, not the people who only care about saving face — because pretending there's no problem prevents progress

• The cheesecake example (trivial saving face)

  • Doctor told your Filipina to lose weight to avoid diabetes
  • You wake up and the entire blueberry cheesecake is gone; no one else is in the house
  • She claims she only had one piece and won't budge no matter what logical arguments you use
  • She's saving face to avoid admitting her lack of self-control
  • If you call her out and say "I know you ate the whole damn cake," YOU become the dishonorable one for causing conflict

• The serious escalation problem

  • The same face-saving logic applies to major transgressions
  • If your Filipina has too much to drink (or someone drugs her drink) and has "a little accident with a male coworker," she may cover it up with lies and feel completely justified — because the truth would make her lose face
  • A Filipina might lie about having a child living with relatives — she'll lose face if she admits to a child out of wedlock, so she feels justified telling you she has no kids
  • Pea acknowledges what viewers are thinking: "That's just a bald-faced lie to keep the foreigner from finding out so he won't leave her" — and she agrees
  • "That's exactly what I mean when I say the concept of saving face often gives people an excuse to lie and tell themselves it was justified"

• An extreme example: a murderer caught on camera

  • A man was caught on camera committing a murder with more than enough evidence
  • He couldn't bring himself to plead guilty — his reputation was more important than cutting a plea deal
  • He knows he'll be convicted, but saving face overrides rational self-interest

• How Filipinos handle being lied to

  • Since the goal is to avoid confrontation and keep harmony, you're NOT supposed to challenge someone on their lies
  • Both parties know what's going on — "it's just a little game we play to keep up appearances"
  • If you press for an explanation, you get frustratingly non-sequitur answers
  • Example: ask your Filipina who she was talking to on the phone, and she answers "I only talked for a minute" — which doesn't answer the question at all
  • That's her way of saying: "If I tell you the truth, I'll feel ashamed, so I'll just avoid the question and you need to drop the subject"
  • If the lie is big enough or causes serious damage, it's considered okay to confront — but "good luck getting anyone to admit to any wrongdoing around here"

• Pea's cultural verdict: the West got this one right

  • "What happens to a society when there are no repercussions for lying and it's expected that more lies will be told to cover the original deception? It ensures a culture with a lot of lying."
  • Creates a trust problem in relationships — when you catch a small lie, your first thought is "so what else are you lying about?"
  • She prefers the Western zero-tolerance policy: "Not that you guys don't lie, but at least you admit it's wrong and there's a social stigma attached to it"
  • In the West, shame falls on the liar; in the East, shame falls on the person who noticed

• Her specific advice for foreigners in relationships with Filipinas

  • Sit down with your partner and explain that you know about saving face and it's not compatible with a healthy, mature, trusting relationship
  • Establish a zero-tolerance policy for anything less than the whole truth
  • Offer total honesty in return
  • To Filipina viewers directly: "They don't expect us to be perfect, but they do expect us to be honest. Don't play games with the truth. Just admit your faults, and I bet you'll find that by doing so, you'll be even more perfect in the eyes of your mate."

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