Why Men Are Giving Up On Approaching Women - The New Reality

Pea hits the streets to ask both men and women about the state of in-person dating, then contrasts American dating culture with Filipino courtship traditions. The interviews reveal that chivalry isn't dead so much as it migrated to Snapchat, and that women simultaneously want old-fashioned romance while filtering men almost entirely on looks.

The setup: over half of men under 40 haven't approached a woman in the last year ​

• Pea wants to find out why — are men afraid, waiting for women to show interest first, or just done with the whole thing?
• She interviews a mix of men and women in what appears to be a US location (Daytona area)

What the women said ​

• Multiple women confirmed men rarely approach them in person anymore
• When men do approach, the lines are unoriginal — "Did you fall from heaven cuz you're an angel?" One woman admitted she actually fell for that line once
• One woman reported a man barked at her like a dog; she questioned his mental stability
• How guys show interest now: buying flowers or food, or just asking for a Snapchat handle — not asking for actual dates
• The looks filter was consistent across nearly every woman interviewed: "Would you say yes if the guy is cute?" — "Yes." "What if he's not?" — "Then no." This pattern repeated with multiple women almost word for word
• One woman said she feels men are "not as confident as they used to be" and that men in the '90s "were real men"
• Several women said they wish men were more chivalrous — love letters, flowers, poems — but admitted those things don't actually happen anymore
• One woman said if a guy showed up serenading outside her window, it would "give me an ick" — unless he's really hot, then "I'd probably give him a chance"

What the men said ​

• A musician said he has an easier time because he plays at venues, but even he notices guys don't approach women at bars anymore — "Even at bars, usually they've met online and they're meeting at a bar"
• His approach: ask if she's single, offer to buy a drink, don't push too hard if she's not interested
• He hasn't written a love note since high school
• A father with a 16-year-old son said his kid met his girlfriend through Snapchat — "You swipe left, you swipe right. That's the way the world works"
• He explained the risk calculus: approaching online has less ego cost than getting shut down in person
• One man said he's never personally approached a woman to ask her out — "just not an outgoing person like that" — but said if the right woman checked his boxes, he'd do whatever was necessary, even "her plumbing"
• Another man said he thinks it's still normal and would approach by saying something genuine like "I saw you from over there, thought you looked pretty, just wanted to know your name" — but acknowledged that after exchanging info, there's a whole social media vetting process before a woman decides you're "okay to talk to"
• One man said he finds it a challenge when a woman has high standards for courtship — "That's what we like. I feel like men like challenges"

The social media problem ​

• One young woman gave the clearest diagnosis: social media has ruined dating because "you're so obsessed with what other people are doing and what your partner's doing and you can't really just live in the moment"
• Multiple people pointed to apps as the replacement for in-person approaches — lower risk, more "consumable" with swiping
• The result: the 80/20 dynamic — Pea notes that 20% of men are getting 80% of the dates because swipe culture lets women filter almost entirely on looks

Do women settle? ​

• Multiple women said yes, women settle — and specifically for financial comfort, not love
• One woman described the "starter husband" phenomenon: marrying without seeing it as a long-term commitment, then moving on
• One woman said she's seen friends, family, and her own parents settle, calls it "icky," and says that's why divorce rates are so high — she refuses to settle personally
• Another said she used to want to settle but now wants to find the right person even if it takes 20 years

Pea's Filipino courtship comparisons (woven throughout the interviews) ​

• Filipino men traditionally write love letters, serenade women outside their windows, chop firewood for the family, and fetch water to prove their dedication
• In the Philippines, women expect the man to come to their house and ask their parents' permission to date — even if the woman doesn't live with her parents
• Pea explains that Filipino women play hard to get as protocol — you're expected to say no the first time, and the man should ask at least two or three times
• She laughs at the contradiction: "We say we're traditional, but if we're into the guy, we sleep with the guy the first night"
• Pea shares that in Filipino culture, if you're unmarried in your mid-30s, you're considered a "leftover" — people assume something's wrong with you
• The stereotype pressure is even worse if you're dating a foreign guy: family expects you to marry him within a year of meeting
• Pea says she still can't bring herself to approach a man even in the US because "it's still instilled in my head like it's freaking wrong — we're going to be crucified in my country"
• One of Pea's interview subjects (a Filipina) confirms: an ex used Filipino culture strategically, going through her parents and brothers to try to win her back — "almost like trading me for piglets and a few sacks of rice"

Pea's takeaway ​

• Women say they want more masculine, old-fashioned, romantic men — but the real question is whether they're willing to assume traditional roles in return
• Her answer: "Yeah, right" — until Western women are willing to be feminine in return, men's best bet might be the Philippines, where women actually appreciate a masculine guy with a romantic heart and are willing to be feminine back
• The catch: you do have to ask the parents' permission to date her

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