Pea answers three mailbag questions: a 58-year-old man wondering if Filipinas would accept bedroom toys, a guy in Bacoor whose girlfriend won't stop spying on him and loyalty-testing him, and an expat horrified by his girlfriend's family's communal eating habits with bare fingers and fly-covered spaghetti. Pea gives practical advice on all three while explaining the cultural logic behind each behavior.
Question 1: Darren from Pennsylvania — Will a Filipina accept bedroom toys?
Darren is 58, married twice, dated American women for four decades; every relationship follows the same pattern — great at first, then sex becomes predictable and stale, and the women seem fine with the status quo
He's found that toys keep things fresh and take performance pressure off an older guy
He's stopped looking in the US ("the women here have decided the only thing I'm good for is to help them pay the bills") and is interested in traditional Filipinas but worries provincial women would be too shy
Pea's response: "You're wrong. Sort of."
Warning first: Filipinas can do the same bait-and-switch as Western women — once a ring is on her finger, she may stop worrying about what she looks like or what happens in the bedroom, but that's usually older women, not women in their 20s and 30s
Filipinas wear "two different faces" — shy and reserved in public, but the private face can be completely different
If you bring up sex stuff to a Filipina you don't know well, she'll cover her mouth and look for the exit; but in private, at the right time, her true reaction may surprise you
The core issue isn't shyness — it's lack of exposure
- Philippine stores literally don't sell toys; if you ask for a vibrator at Robinson's Appliance, the saleswoman will think you're a pervert
- Only big cities like Manila have shops that sell them, and only recently could you buy online
- Pea estimates about 98% of Filipinas have never even seen one
- Even if available, almost none would buy one because Filipinas don't have their own bedrooms — they stay home with parents much longer than Westerners and sleep next to mom and dad, which is "not the best time to pull out a big old Bilbo and give it a test drive" (she uses "Bilbo" like Bilbo Baggins throughout to avoid demonetization)
Specific advice on introducing toys
- Don't start with anything too large — "start out with something undersized, Filipino size, that's not so intimidating, and let it grow from there"
- No "backdoor buddies" early on — that's not something many Filipinas would try until a stable relationship exists
- Don't try to get her to wear a remote-operated vibrator in public — "that's advanced level shenanigans, and she'll be terrified someone's going to find out"; if she ever agrees, do it at home on the couch first
Bottom line: Filipinas are shy but happy to please — he'll likely find someone willing
Question 2: Justin in Bacoor — girlfriend won't stop snooping and loyalty-testing
Justin is in the Philippines for an extended period and wants to take his girlfriend back with him, potentially marrying her
Her behaviors: had her best friend try to seduce him as a "test" (when he turned her down and reported it, his girlfriend said he "passed"); contacted his ex to ask if they broke up because he cheated; got into his phone and scrolled through pictures; most recently, held his phone in front of his sleeping face to try to unlock facial recognition (it didn't work because his eyes were closed)
He told her it's gone too far and he's doing serious thinking; she promised to stop but he doesn't believe her
Pea's response: she's NOT going to tell him what to do — only he knows how he feels — but she'll explain what the girlfriend is likely thinking
Reasons for the behavior, rooted in Filipino psychology:
- In their world, good things don't last — someone always takes them away
- She probably doesn't think she deserves him and expects him to wake up and realize he can do better
- She assumes he'll eventually cheat because most Filipino men cheat — "And why would you be any different?"
- The suspicion doesn't necessarily mean SHE's cheating (which is how Westerners often read it); she's vetting him the same way Pea advises men to vet women — listening for inconsistencies, looking for "chinks in your armor that she's positive have to be there"
- She wants to be sure "her eggs are safe in your basket"
- It might take her a while to realize he represents "a soft place to settle down"
Pea acknowledges: she's not excusing the behavior — snooping and breaking into his phone are not okay
She may never change, or it may take longer than he's willing to invest
"I'm sorry we Filipinas are so insecure and hard to deal with, but we're so darn sweet at the same time. Decisions, decisions."
Question 3: Gregory in Calatagan — horrified by girlfriend's family's communal eating
His girlfriend's family invited them to dinner in the boonies
A giant plastic bowl of spaghetti was set out and within minutes was covered in flies; no one seemed to care
He told his girlfriend privately there was no way he was eating that; she covered for him by saying his diet didn't allow pasta
During dinner, everyone stuck bare fingers into the communal food bowls
After the meal, men passed a single glass of alcohol in a circle and everyone drank from it
He's not a germaphobe but has been getting sick about once a month since arriving in the Philippines
He specifically mentions you can get herpes from sharing glasses
Pea's response: "That really doesn't sound funny at all. It's something a lot of you expats are going to have to face."
She lays out two camps:
- Camp 1: "Screw it, when in Rome" — eat it, drink it, figure you'll build tolerance if you survive
- Camp 2: "Hell no" — refuse to participate
Her practical solution (which she says is simple, works, and he's already laid the groundwork): tell everyone at the very beginning that your doctor back in the West put you on a very strict diet, and although you'd love to eat and drink with the family, you'll have to pass
Stick to the story consistently and it avoids hurt feelings
The only person who'll ever know the real reason is his girlfriend — and she already covered for him once